To foster a healthy team culture in which people are safe to be themselves, create, do meaningful work, and thrive. That’s what matters most to me. I felt ill-equipped in the past when in toxic or even mildly tense situations. I didn’t see these as invitations, calls to personal action. I went silent or into turtle mode. I’ve learned healthier ways to operate. I am becoming more sure-footed amidst the inevitable. More comfortable being uncomfortable. What follows: techniques I am beginning to study and practice; some notes on recognizing the invitation to dialogue. First, some lyrics to tell you where I used to be…

I thought there was a Virtue in always being cool, so when it came time to Fight I thought I’ll just step aside and that the time would Prove you wrong
–The Flaming Lips, “Fight Test”

Evolving my relationship with conflict

Leadership requires me to act swiftly and do the emotional labor.   Not to dilly-dally when conflict arises.  It helps to focus on the confrontation through the lens of a personal strength.  For me, this is inquisitiveness.  I have years of experience in asking open-ended questions.  As a tester I asked these to understand the project context and technical landscape so that I could understand the multitude of what value meant to various stakeholders and tease out and expose problems as quickly as possible.  As a product owner, it’s the same. I ask these to understand the why, to understand the heart of the customer’s needs or the heart of my technical experts’ suggestions. These activities are akin to those necessary for conflict resolution, part of facilitation process to help separate people from the problem.

 In Lydia D. Bower’s  Tech Ladies webinar, Resolving Workplace Conflict,  she opened with  Don’t fear conflict; embrace it. It’s your job. I enjoyed her training which centered on active listening and recognizing which mediation style is needed. Here are my notes in XMind form:

Recognizing the invitation to dialogue

In the midst of conflict or confrontation, what is it that you are resisting?  What can you do to remain receptive, to contribute to dialogue honestly?   Do you need to soften, do you need to speak up?  Try it and then see what comes from that. 

In my case, it’s usually that I need to speak up.  How can I avoid a mini-panic attack which turns me into a blundering idiot or puts me at an impasse?  It helps to pay attention to what’s going on in the body – I recognize I am in System 1 mode.  I am holding my breath or I am sick to my stomach. Ah, there’s a perceived threat.  Take a slow breath, listen to what the person is truly saying before I respond. I can pause and say, Gimme a minute to think and I can respond with an open-ended clarifying question.

Am I actually open and listening? Check out Julian Treasure’s excellent TED Talk on 5 ways to listen better. I love that the acronym for the technique he explains, RASA, is Sanskrit for juice.  🙂

…receiving what is poured forth from others without judgement. It is to receive the actual energy of another, to feel the connection, to allow the pouring forth into one pool, and to allow the pool to move you in unforeseen directions, none of which can happen with a plan, none of which can happen if approached with pre-determined ideas. The entering into is entering into the mystery, entering the unknown rather than known, where through the entering into, knowing occurs….This practice builds confidence.
 – from “Dialogue Unveiled”.  Mari Perron and James Kelly’s ACOL virtual conference recording on the topic of “Be Confident in Your Vulnerability”.

I liken this process – learning to enter the flow of dialogue – to the marvel of watching my brother & his friends paddle-board upriver in in class 4 rapids.  He studies the river, moves to intersection, the edge, into the eddy and slowly, steadily progresses upstream.  It seems difficult, but with devoted and repeated practice it becomes less daunting.  

Musical catharsis, Resources, well wishes

A song that speaks to the idea of bracing yourself for something you don’t want to face. 

And so

Whenever I sacrificed my personal value of honesty for what I perceived as loyalty or a spirit of cooperation, I was operating from a place of fear.  Whenever I was honest with myself and others, there was transformation.  Wishing you a happy and healthy 2019 in which your head, heart, and feet – thoughts, words, and actions – are perfectly aligned!

Good Reads…Resources

Boundaries:  Ann-Marie Charrett’s A Different Perspective on Boundary Testing.  Check out the mind map in her blog post. 

Slowing down your thinking: Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking Fast and Slow