Have you ever witnessed appalling comments or behaviors at work? Do you have trouble finding words to respond to the moment?

Perhaps you freeze, you shut down, you go numb. The figurative rug you stand upon is swiftly and violently pulled out from under your feet; you blank out and lose your sense of up and down. It takes you a while to process what just happened. By the time you get your wits about you, the opportunity is gone. It is too late to speak up.  

Maybe the situation is more of a slow burn. Folks are grumbling to one another, yet as far as you can tell no one is doing anything about it. You observe repeated questionable behaviors. The sense of safety in the environment folds in on itself. Your sense of agency does, too.

Anyone can be in a position to provide a “helping effect” [Reference: HBR article] and speak up at the moment. With some key response phrases memorized, you have handy tools to use to respond quickly. Here are some hypothetical scenarios with responses I hope you find helpful. 

Case: The Bully

You are in an open floor plan office and overhear Dee, a manager from another department, making a discriminatory comment feigned as a joke to your teammate, Henry, who is sitting next to you. A sick feeling forms in your stomach, and your face burns hot.

Bob, Henry’s manager, is also seated in the same space only 8 feet away. Neither one of you says anything. The victim, Henry, laughs in reply to Dee, and their conversation continues. Do you speak up or stay quiet and assume Bob will say or do something? Bob is equal in seniority to Dee, afterall. 

You say, Hey Dee, that was an inappropriate and disrespectful comment.  Later that day, you file a report with HR, and you check in with Henry to offer your support. You also speak with Bob to share your concerns and let him know what you’ve done so far.

Case: Insensitive Lead Deflates Already Exhausted Team

Your team is two weeks away from a major deadline. You have been working extra hours for over two months. In a daily video call standup meeting, your “leader,” Tom, announces he wants to “just put an idea out there.” He suggests that department M, a “sister” team, should own all the work your team has been doing. He also suggests that the work should be on a different technical platform, the one owned by department M. His proposal to your team of 10 is met with stunned silence.

You have been assigned to this team for two months, and you still feel like a fish out of water. The team is new to agile and is trying its best, but there is no clear product owner. You are still in survival mode from the stress of 1 ½ years of back-to-back re-organizations. You already know that you are going to rally behind the scenes with at least four other senior folks who have already expressed doubts about Tom’s motivations and leadership. They must be just as upset as you are about his proposal. What can you do at this moment? 

You say, “Tom, thanks for sharing. I’m not sure that your real meaning is getting through. Please say that again in another way that supports our team. What is your rationale for bringing this up here and now? * 

Case: Mr. More Missed Vacations and Holidays

Your global engineering team just delivered on its 3rd deadline within 12 months. In an all-hands call, the business organization’s top executive, Mr. More, says, Congratulations. Thanks for your hard work. You’ve accomplished so much. And you are going to have a hell of a lot more to do soon because we have another major announcement coming up in 6 months.    

For every deadline, all teams worked extra hours. Weekend work often disproportionately fell to the offshore and near-shore teams. The Mexico team worked over a holiday to meet the deadline, only to have the deadline moved on as the original date got closer. Your London-based peer remarks that this project treats weekend work like it is a badge of honor. If the project was UK-run, leadership would be asking, ‘How the heck did we create this situation?’  Mr. More’s comment about a new upcoming deadline has you worried. You ask yourself, How can we NOT run this losing race again?

Engineering leaders say to the business leaders:  I realize you are under a lot of pressure; we can all feel it, but this is an untenable way to work. We can no longer take orders and commit to dates. Our teams are burnt out. Yes, we are delivering, but at a great cost. Let’s find a more equitable and sustainable way to run projects going forward together. 

Give Yourself Some Grace 

It takes strength to stay open, and freezing and clamming up is not uncommon. See the sonder [See Seth Godin’s definition here.] in the situation. Fear is running the show behind the perpetrator’s words in the Jerk and Insensitive cases. Fear has gone too far; it’s gone all the way to the “bottom” of Ms. More’s pressure cooker organization. If we develop our leadership capacities through introspection, self-awareness, empathy, coaching, and practice, we can stand tall and relaxed. We can respond swiftly and help in situations like these. 

When you realize you missed an opportunity to help, give yourself some grace and compassion. Not all interventions need to happen at the moment. There are times, however, when it sure makes a positive difference if you speak up right then and there.

More resources

• Harvard Business Review (HBR) Article: How to Intervene When you Witness Workplace Aggression
• HBR Article:  If Something Feels Off, you Need to Speak Up 
• Molly Tschang:  Say it Skillfully
• Hanselminutes Podcast, Fresh Air for Developers: Conscious Leadership with Ginny Clarke

(*)P.S. June 2024: Ginny Clarke’s Speak Your Truth: How to Use Your Voice in the Workplace [YouTube] video made me consider a more effective option here. At minute 8:00 of the video, regarding choosing the right time and place and tapping in to how the other person might respond. In the Insensitive Lead scenario, a 1:1 would be an effective way to speak up. Example from the video:” I am not sure if you realized what you shared in the meeting yesterday left many people feeling uncomfortable, even demoralized. You might want to chat with a few folks individually to get their perspective and express appreciation for their contributions.”

Photo by Nkululeko Mabena / Unsplash