Image: A lucky rabbit patch I recently bought to mend cold weather gear. 

I’ve been lucky to have managers who practiced Radical Candor. I’ve been equally fortunate to experience just how golden sideways feedback is when offered in that same spirit of Radical Candor.  In this post, I share how a friend and colleague shined a light into a dark spot and helped me mend my behavior.  You will learn about the essential elements on both sides through a personal example.  

Early in my role as an agile product owner, I made an egregious mistake.  I had a peer, an engineering manager, who was kind and cared about me and this team of engineers. The skillful and respectful way he approached the situation made this encounter one that stayed with me as a solid example of how to offer feedback. It came in a general 1:1 checkin we had weekly.  

M: Hey Lanessa, Are you open to some candid feedback about something I’ve noticed recently.

Me: Yes. What is it?

M: So, there’s something happening with the team & I am not sure you are aware of it.  For the last 2 sprints, your manager/our senior, has come in and asked you for new things mid-sprint and you’ve put them into the sprint.  As an example, this sprint you added the design for the new wiz bang he asked for which is not something that’s on the roadmap and is totally exploratory.  

Also, you added the SLA report enhancements to support the work his squad is doing and which was not something we’d committed to at the start of the sprint.   I don’t see you pushing back.  It disrupts the flow of work-in-progress, and it’s causing a lot of churn and frustration on the team.  

Me: (Audible sigh) You’re right.  I didn’t take anything away from our sprint when I added those in. I didn’t really have an in-depth discussion with him when he asked for these for rationale.   I have been doing that dance for awhile.   I made a classic newbie mistake.  I can totally understand how frustrating this is to the team.  

It was already stressing me out, yet your bringing this up to me feels like you shining a light on a blind spot. It feels like a relief, an “Aha.”  Thank you. 

M:  I know it’s natural to want to do what your boss asks of you.  It’s not in alignment with the way we are supposed to be working though.  I have some strategies that have worked for me for handling this same thing.  Would you like to hear about them and be willing to try it the next time this happens, when he comes to you with another request like this? 

Me: Yes, please. And M, I will talk with the team and apologize.  I’ll let them know I won’t let them happen again.  And I will ask them to please call me on it, if I slide backwards again.  

Elements

Giver – As conscious leadership expert Ginny Clarke suggests, M was timely and specific.  He made the feedback a conversation and focused on his observations and the impact of my behavior, so the focused on development rather than blaming or criticism.  He offered me support.  

M was being kind.  If he held back for the sake of “nicety,” then this behaviorial pattern of mine would have been unkind to his team and continued to be a source of stress for me, 

Receiver – Even from an early age, I have always been receptive to feedback.  “Learner” is one of my top five strengths, so it is natural for me to be open to it.  M and I had been working together for over 5 years, so there was already an abundance of trust between us.  

In his humorous and insightful article on “Making it easy for people to give you feedback”, Michael Hunter of Uncommon Teams, suggests and beautifully illustrates the receiver essentials:  explicitly invite feedback, make giving you feedback easy, and appreciate the feedback you receive. And that was the healthy dance M and I had.  I invited the feedback when he offered it and I followed up with the team to invite their feedback. I recall asking the team to throw a “yellow flag” at me, and I meant it.  I made it easy for M to deliver the feedback and I expressed my sincere gratitude.  

Parting thoughts

That was the last time I made that mistake.  It’s not easy to give feedback. It takes situational awareness, skill, and courage.  It’s something that I will be practicing for the rest of my life.  

What we can do as teammates is celebrate and support one another.  We can learn to care personally enough & to cultivate the skill and courage to offer feedback.

Attributions: Thank you, Mr. Ferrer. And thank you, Brian Pulliam, for eliciting this story and learning in helping me prepare for interviews this autumn.